Soy una mosca en un baso de leche.
[I’m a fly in a glass of milk]
I can’t believe I’ve only been on this trip for two days. It feels a lot longer both emotionally and physically. Wednesday we drove to NYC. I still have a love-hate relationship with that city. I think those words are a tad too strong. Possibly a like-dislike relationship. I like to think that I can pull off the confident facade fairly well, but that city gets under my skin. I don’t know why, or how, but it does it. I feel severely inadequate and as if i stick out. I’m not fashionable enough. Not thin enough. Not good enough. I hate that feeling. I detest it with a passion. And it doesn’t help having these facts thrown back in my face. The day had a variety of ups and downs. Today we drove to Connecticut. Biggest waste. UConn felt dead and depressing. I felt like no one was happy there and the people weren’t very friendly. It was too big, too impersonal, and just not me. Not to mention I felt paranoid about being a tad too brown there. I wanted to turn around and run the moment i got there. Thank god we didn’t even stay for the info session. The drive to Hamilton was looonggg, but lovely. Times like those is when i wish i took pictures. being up here makes me want to take up photography in order to capture some of the images. The countryside on the way here was beautiful and it made me feel a ton better. My mom always tells me to air out my bed and room when I’m sick to get all those bad feelings out. I like to think that the drive here with the window’s open did the same sort of thing. I got to this town and its a drastic difference from the other two cities i’ve been in so far. I like it a million times more. Its cute and small and quaint. It’s manageable. But do you know what did terrify me? The school. It was a cocktail of terror, excitement. and anxiousness that threatened to make me yak without any of the positive effects. The majority of the people here are white, pretty, preppy, rich, and thin. (notice a trend of me being uncomfortable and feeling self conscious). I love the campus, its gorgeous. It’s beautiful and it makes me want to spend days on the grass near the pond while listening to music. But I’m worried of not fitting in. My twelve year old insecurities are out in full force the last couple of days. It kills me. I try really hard to keep these jittery nerves undercover, but apparently there has been a mini mutiny in my system. I don’t know what i’m going to do. I’m feeling overwhelmed and i already had to phone a friend in order to calm myself. I think a self peptalk and some strong coffee will boost my courage? hopefully? and possibly seeing someone who isn’t pretty and/or is bigger then i am. yeah. that might help me too.